kiddos.

my little niece kayley turned 1 over the weekend.

we partied pretty hard.

as you can see.

i love her so much.

i honestly don't understand how anyone can not love kids. they take a lot of work, yes. but look at this one! so cute. 

i mean kids are so special. i love my nieces and nephews more than i ever knew i could. they are the reason i never moved oversees. the thought of being away from them for so long and missing those milestones, i just couldn't handle it. (thank you for that kiddos because otherwise i wouldn't have met my man!)

and then there's my future step-kids. a whole other kind of special. i feel so blessed that i will be getting the opportunity to love them in that way. because even when it feels like work, more people to love is never a bad thing. and they're pretty darn cute too!

and then one day soon, God willing, i'll be having my own kids.

i. can't. wait.

kayley's birthday has reminded me how truly blessed i am, and how much i have to be thankful for.

 

isn't confession step one?

something has happened.

something slightly horrifying to me.

and by slightly i mean very.

i've gained a bit of weight...

aka i'm no longer skinny.

and unfortunately this weight gain cannot be blamed on a pregnancy.

but also fortunately as i am not married yet nor in any position to be having a child right now.

now here's the thing.

i was always skinny. naturally.

always.

i mean i was that annoyingly thin girl in high school/college that people loved to hate because i could eat anything and never gain weight.

and i did, eat anything.

i ate terribly unhealthy. still kinda do.

here's a random photo of me my junior year of college for reference. i'm 22 then.

it's hard to pinpoint exactly when this change happened,

other than that my body completely betrayed me!

after scrolling through my facebook photos and looking at dates i'm thinking initially "the change" began around 2010. making me 25 at the time. 

not a huge change mind you, but some slight love handles where there was previously just skin and bones.

a bit more womanly curves if you will.

not necessarily a bad thing.

however 2011 brought a bit more curves.

and 2012 brought something less like curves and more like that f word.

no the other one.

and suddenly i find myself in 2013, and this body is NOT what it once was.

now to be clear, i know i am not "fat".

but i also know i am no longer thin.

and because i'm so small boned by body fat is definitely not at a healthy level.

if i'm being honest i have a good 15, maybe 20 pounds to shed.

so here's the thing. i need to suck it up and do it. and i figured maybe if i confessed it in writing, it might help. because i hate working out. and i love junk food. those are just facts right now. but i also hate seeing photos of me and thinking how big i look. and i hate that i can't wear 'anything' anymore because i have to 'hide the fat'. and on top of all that i WANT to be healthy. i truly do believe my body is a temple and it is my job to take care of it. and i haven't been doing that well. and lastly, i have a man who loves me and thinks i'm beautiful just the way i am, but i want to better myself for him too.

so here i go. i'm confessing i need to lose weight.

and i need to suck it up and do the work to make it happen. because there are a lot of people who need to lose a lot more than i do and they do it. so there's no reason i can't do this. but it's not going to happen until i put in the work.

wish me luck!