on heaven and earth.

faith is a fundamental part of my life.  it defines me in a way more pronounced than anything else. for better or worse my life, morals, shames, joys, mistakes, loves, and moments of grace have all been shaped and continue be be shaped by my faith.

along with this faith came the understanding, even as a young child, that this world is not our home. that God did not create us for this finite time on a fallen and sinful earth. but rather He created us for forever, in heaven with Him. i believed and continue to believe that truth with every part of me. and i believe that one day He will return and take us home, to live forever in heaven with Him.

it is a fact that gives me immense comfort and hope in my life.


i remember when i was a kid looking forward to something so much, like a trip to disneyland, that i would pray to God that He wouldn't come back and take us all to heaven today, not yet, because i really wanted to go to disneyland. my childhood mind just couldn't fathom that anything could be any better, not even heaven. that world was so full of happiness.

fast forward 20 years and everything is different.


i watched the news about connecticut over my lunch break at school. then i went back and cried my way through an afternoon of teaching my 18 beautiful kindergarteners, heartbroken than anyone could be capable of killing little children like them.

yesterday i sat alone after work and again watched another tragedy unfold on the news, this time in boston. and again i cried... i cried for the victims. and the families. and the witnesses. and for our world that is so broken. and for people who are so full of darkness that they would do such unfathomable evil... this world we live in breaks my heart.


and maybe it doesn't make sense to everyone, but for me the easy answer is to just be done with it. to move to some remote ranch and surround myself with people who i love and just enjoy life away from it all, until God comes to take us all home... days like this that is really all i want. to create a safe escape from this fallen world.

but i know that that isn't the answer. and i know God is not done with this world yet. there is still so much good to be done. so many lives that still need love and hope and redemption.

so as sad as i feel. and as hopeless as things can seem at times, i will choose hope. and love. and joy... and i will continue to look forward to the day i get to sing my heaven song.

kiddos.

my little niece kayley turned 1 over the weekend.

we partied pretty hard.

as you can see.

i love her so much.

i honestly don't understand how anyone can not love kids. they take a lot of work, yes. but look at this one! so cute. 

i mean kids are so special. i love my nieces and nephews more than i ever knew i could. they are the reason i never moved oversees. the thought of being away from them for so long and missing those milestones, i just couldn't handle it. (thank you for that kiddos because otherwise i wouldn't have met my man!)

and then there's my future step-kids. a whole other kind of special. i feel so blessed that i will be getting the opportunity to love them in that way. because even when it feels like work, more people to love is never a bad thing. and they're pretty darn cute too!

and then one day soon, God willing, i'll be having my own kids.

i. can't. wait.

kayley's birthday has reminded me how truly blessed i am, and how much i have to be thankful for.

 

isn't confession step one?

something has happened.

something slightly horrifying to me.

and by slightly i mean very.

i've gained a bit of weight...

aka i'm no longer skinny.

and unfortunately this weight gain cannot be blamed on a pregnancy.

but also fortunately as i am not married yet nor in any position to be having a child right now.

now here's the thing.

i was always skinny. naturally.

always.

i mean i was that annoyingly thin girl in high school/college that people loved to hate because i could eat anything and never gain weight.

and i did, eat anything.

i ate terribly unhealthy. still kinda do.

here's a random photo of me my junior year of college for reference. i'm 22 then.

it's hard to pinpoint exactly when this change happened,

other than that my body completely betrayed me!

after scrolling through my facebook photos and looking at dates i'm thinking initially "the change" began around 2010. making me 25 at the time. 

not a huge change mind you, but some slight love handles where there was previously just skin and bones.

a bit more womanly curves if you will.

not necessarily a bad thing.

however 2011 brought a bit more curves.

and 2012 brought something less like curves and more like that f word.

no the other one.

and suddenly i find myself in 2013, and this body is NOT what it once was.

now to be clear, i know i am not "fat".

but i also know i am no longer thin.

and because i'm so small boned by body fat is definitely not at a healthy level.

if i'm being honest i have a good 15, maybe 20 pounds to shed.

so here's the thing. i need to suck it up and do it. and i figured maybe if i confessed it in writing, it might help. because i hate working out. and i love junk food. those are just facts right now. but i also hate seeing photos of me and thinking how big i look. and i hate that i can't wear 'anything' anymore because i have to 'hide the fat'. and on top of all that i WANT to be healthy. i truly do believe my body is a temple and it is my job to take care of it. and i haven't been doing that well. and lastly, i have a man who loves me and thinks i'm beautiful just the way i am, but i want to better myself for him too.

so here i go. i'm confessing i need to lose weight.

and i need to suck it up and do the work to make it happen. because there are a lot of people who need to lose a lot more than i do and they do it. so there's no reason i can't do this. but it's not going to happen until i put in the work.

wish me luck!

 

this will be annoyingly but necessarily vague.

it just came to my attention (aka i looked down) 

that i have not blogged in forever. 

and the last 3 posts i've written were apologizing for how long it had been since i had blogged. 

pathetic katie.

so i'm just not going to talk about that sad sad reality of this little blog right now.

i choose to ignore.

but i will say, it may not change quite yet...

because you see this thing happened between last time i blogged and now.

a really great exciting thing that has pretty much consumed my time.

well that and being a full time kindergarten teacher, which lets face it is hard work.

ugh. just being an adult and working full time is tough!

fake it till you make it.

but anyways, back to the exciting thing that happened.

i fell in love.

head over heels love.

it's been 5 months now, which is totally not long in the grand scheme of things.

but they say when you know you know, and we just know.

sigh.

but let me tell you ladies and gents, this is not the fairytale i had imagined.

it's complicated.

the kind of complicated where i'm not allowed to even post about him on my blog quite yet.

and i'm definitely not allowed to post a picture of us.

and that's really just the beginning of where the complicated starts.

and here he is!

just kidding that's just james dean and i.

so i mean, when you can't talk about the biggest thing in your life,

and no one wants to hear me complain about how tired i am from work,

the blog well runs a little dry!

but i'll see what i can do. (wink)

 

keep moving.

i haven't written in a long time. 

obviously.

so much has changed in my life.

i moved to merced.

i got a condo.

and i'm now teaching kindergarten.

for starters.

it is terrifying.

all of it.

and i'm still learning how to process all this change.

if i'm being honest this is the hardest thing i've ever done.

emotionally speaking.

and it has the potential to be the most rewarding.

 i miss my parents a lot.

and my friends.

 i literally cry every time i let myself really think about it.

which isn't often.

but it's okay.

this is all still new.

and i really am so grateful for this opportunity i've been given.

i can do this.

and i'm determined to do it well.

 

here's a picture of my mom with my nephews and niece when she was visiting me two weeks ago.

aren't they cute?!